Wish I Could See You Again, A Letter To My Friend

Dear Ava,

When I heard the news, my heart literally ached. I didn't want to believe it, for me it just didn't make sense so it couldn't be real. My mom told me and I hollered for a really long time, only stopping to check my phone to see if this really was true. To my disappointment and anger, it was indeed a reality. I saw your sisters' posts and knew that the news was as real as it could get. I started bawling again but I felt my chest tightening and my headache worsening and knew that I needed to find a different release. Immediately, I started searching for songs that reflected my mood because music has always been a great help to me. I listened to Lose a Friend by I-Octane, Miss You So Much by Dexta Daps and some other songs, they all reflected grief but didn't quite hit the spot. Then I remembered Wish I Could See You Again by Black Rhino, I had that song on repeat for hours as I silently shed tears. That song and See You Again by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth truly echo the feeling in my heart. I really wish I could see you again, even once or twice. So, I started reflecting on our memories together and that cheered me up a little.

We knew each other for a very long time, maybe about 14 years and we did talk but I'd say you were more of an associate in the beginning. I never really considered you a friend until 2016. Yes! 2016 was the year, the year our friendship started to bloom like a rose hidden in a garden. You became a constant in my life. I remember we were just casually chatting and you mentioned that you were going to be getting a job opportunity, this would've been your first real job ever. I was happy for you and encouraging you to just go be your awesome self and you would do well. Then a day or two later, you asked me to accompany you on the weekend to get some new clothes purchased for the job. I agreed but was a little nervous (lol), yes I was, because you and I had never gone anywhere alone before and I wondered if it would've been awkward. Well it was far from awkward, in fact we did waaaay more talking than shopping. Did we even buy anything though? I doubt that highly. I took you to that crazy nail tech and she did such a poor job (I'm so sorry). I never paid her another visit after that day, because how could she??? hahaha, I'm actually laughing right now.... But yeah, we did a lot of talking and it was at that point that I realized we were so alike and in some unexpected ways, that was heartwarming.

Our friendship continued to grow from there, we talked literally everyday. Then you started a different job in New Kingston and I worked in that area too so we started seeing each other more often. Now that I think of it, how did we not get tired of each other?? We took the bus to work together in the morning, we had lunch together some days, we hung out on a Friday or on the weekend and yet we would still be super excited to see each other at the meetings on Sundays. You came into my life just when I needed you and thankfully you felt the same. Sometimes I would be under pressure at work and your phone call to say "I need you, can you come and have lunch with me?" cheered me up right away. I hurried out the door to get to you as soon as I could. Our convos, no matter how emotional in nature, were always funny. Girl, even if we were crying over the situation we somehow found something funny to laugh like 2 idiots about. We both always made time for each other, that's rare. You introduced me to the book, the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman (I still haven't finished reading it yet... haha, you know me and books) and to our (not) surprise, we spoke the same "love language". Quality time and words of affirmation, yes we both (especially you) lovvveee quality time. Now it makes sense why we spent so much time together and constantly professed our love and appreciation for each other. We had a lot friendly love for one another :), you weren't my type lol, I just had to make that clear.

We never had an argument literally never, how though?? I know I annoyed you sometimes and you confused the heck outta me sometimes too; when you get into your moods and don't want anyone around, I didn't know if I should stay or go. That was very weird, why call me to come and hang for the day and then you go and curl up in the bed by yourself? It was a good thing that when I hopped into the bed beside you, you didn't tell me to leave you alone, I probably would've cried lol. Even then we somehow ended up laughing again, it feels good to know that I made you laugh so much :). Remember when I used to come to Emancipation Park to jog with you in the evenings? That was just so I could see you, that's how special you were to me, I hope you knew that. Those sessions were so therapeutic though, we were like each other's amateur therapists. I cherished every second of our moments together because soon after, I got a new job and relocated to Liguanea. We started seeing less and less of each other and the convos were less frequent. Our daily and weekly link ups, became once in a whiles. I felt really sad about that for a long time and thought that you tossed me aside because even when I did reach out to you, the convos just didn't flow the same anymore. In 2018 when you asked me to sleep over at your new apartment, I was excited. We sat up and chatted the whole night/morning, it felt like old times again. I loved that no matter how much time passed, we were always transparent with each other. At 4am we finally fell asleep and by 7am we were up again to get ready for work and somehow I didn't feel like I was lacking sleep.

Time passed and we started talking a lot less again, I started feeling resentful. I saw you going places with other people and posting your adventures, you looked so happy. How could you be so happy and I wasn't there? How could you?? Seriously though, I felt like you stopped making time for me but was making time for others. I was at first afraid to say this because I didn't want to seem needy, plus I didn't expect you to not hang out with other people. When you moved back to Spanish Town, you invited me to come and sleep over and for the first time I rejected your invitation. I then told you how I felt and explained why I didn't feel comfortable to sleep over. You said that you know you were distant and you should've reached out more but so much is going on and you just didn't get around to it. I knew that you were busy and a lot must have been going on but it still didn't provide much consolation. I eventually decided to move on from our friendship, stop seeking something that just wasn't there anymore. I still cared, I still wanted you to be happy but I stopped looking for the bond that we once had and just let things flow. I was happy when you were happy because I knew you had some struggles, I wish I could've been there for you but you just didn't want me to so I just stepped back. I reached out a lot less and my expectations fell too, even when I saw you, if you decided to not engage in a conversation, that would've been okay, it would hurt but it would be okay. Each time I saw you post a pic where you were smiling and going out, I just thought to myself "she looks good and is happy, so I'm happy".

You reached out to me in June of this year, much to my surprise and you wanted me to come over so we could catch up. I came over on June 30, 2020 and we had a great time. You told me that things weren't going so well and I felt silly. Silly for being mad at you when you were going through so much and a bit sad that you didn't feel comfortable to reach out to me like you used to. We had an honest conversation and that was necessary. Once we cleared the air, we got some laughs in, for old times sake. One thing was sure, we still had love for each other. I went home with that confirmation but I didn't know that would have been our last time seeing each other. I didn't know that exactly 4 months later, on October 30, 2020, I would've gotten the worse news ever. Some weeks prior to that, you were on my mind, pressing thoughts, pushing me to reach out to you but I refused. I was clearly still a little resentful. How could I not reach out when I had the chance to maybe hear from you? If only I had known what was happening to you, maybe I would've put my stupid feelings aside... damn...it hurts so bad. By the time i reached out it was too late. I wish I could have heard your voice again, heard your laugh, hugged you. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, I'm angry that your life was cut short, I'm sad. Since the news, I've been reflecting on how much of a great friend you were to me, I re-read our old messages and laugh/smile, they warm my heart. That's how I choose to remember you, I hold our memories dear until I can see you again <3.

Your Friend,

Shavae

P.S. You will always be a first class honours awardee in my eyes.

I Love You