Change

I had said earlier that i had a closed mind, i was afraid of and resisted change. At that time in my life I felt alone and would often say no one cares and that the world would be a better place without me. What i later found out was that it was all a lie, i was constantly lying to myself and I needed to stop. I didn't find this out on my own, I was too deep in my pain and a little too inexperienced to see this. Thankfully God sent help my way, he sent it on many different occasions and in different ways. At first I couldn't see it; I couldn't see that it was much needed help and I couldn't see that it was coming from God either.

I remember one night i was in my room, I was so upset and was seriously telling myself that I'm going to attempt suicide. I thought okay, this is the night, I cried and cried and i begged God to just please let me die. Then i got a text from a friend of mine asking me if i was okay and honestly, i wish i remember exactly what i told her but i know i had told her that i wasnt okay and she kept asking further questions and i even told her i was going to just end my life. By then i was really annoyed with the questions and started ignoring her messages, she then started to call me, i ignored her calls as well. Then this girl went on to call my house phone and my mom answered the phone and came banging on my door to tell me that she was on the line. I told my mom to tell her that i didnt want to speak to her, which she did but my friend insisted that she needed to speak to me. So i said okay fine, let me hear what she has to say because clearly she wasnt giving up. That night, of course, i didnt end my life, she talked me out of it and we even got to laughing afterwards. She checked up on me every single day after that to make sure i was okay and wasn't having anymore harmful thoughts. 

That was just one example of persons that had been used to help me to change this view of myself and my life. Pain when held inside can blur your vision and distort your thinking. I had to learn to express my pain, release it in a positive way so it didn't weigh me down anymore. I met a few people that i could really count on to listen to me and give me their advice. I used to just assume that no one cares about me and that no one would understand what i was going through so i would tell no one anything and weep to myself. With God's help i began to see that i have a purpose and i can be happy. You can too